2015

- Cleaning your teeth after eating something delicious is the saddest part of living with teeth.

 

- Love handles? More like GLOVE handles amiright!? Cause you could hang your gloves there when you're not wearing them for convenience sake.

 

- "I'm still, I'm still, Nessy from the loch" Sings the Loch Ness Monster as she taunts sailors scrambling to get their cameras.

 

- Tennis would be a lot funnier if the court was surrounded by bald boys instead.

 

- I'm a celebrity mood ring get me out of here

 

- When all is said and done the internet is just a place where your mum can see what you've been up to.

 

- Why did we make the glass ceiling out of glass? If we had made it opaque then women wouldn't be able to see what they are missing out on.

 

- Sheets made of cream

 

- Imagine a cafe that only serves eggs. No toast, bacon, mushrooms, salt, pepper or anything else. Just eggs. And bliss out.

 

- Why do people get upset about same sex relationships? Sex gets pretty samey in all relationships. *badoom tish*

 

- A click-bait website that's just pictures of butts called clickbutt.com where you can just click on butts all day long.

 

- I've gone past using emojis ironically and now i just use them to convey my feelings in tiny pictures.

 

- They should change Family Feud to Family Food and the losing families kids has to eat their parents in front of the nation.

 

- In a just world Scully would have been promoted above Mulder and fired him or stuck him behind a desk for coming up with such cockamamie reasons for everything. Instead she was forced to work with a lunatic partner for years until he was finally abducted by aliens or something. Other than that The X Files was mostly ok. 3.5 stars.

 

- On TV everyone seems to be best friends with people they work with but in real life I don't have any friends on TV.

 

- "I need some space"

*becomes astronaut, flies up and orbits the earth*

"this isn't what I meant but it will do in a pinch"

 

- "Back in the summer of sixty wines!" *Bryan Adams falls off his guitar*

 

- Accidentally becoming a DJ is a musician's greatest fear.

 

- "LA CUCARACHA! LA CUCARACHA!"

*I sing to myself as I add more cockroaches to my soup*

 

- If I travelled back in time I would get so damn frustrated by the technology available to me that it almost wouldn't be worth it

 

- And in some cruel twist of fate I now feel worse than I did before I drank all those beers.

 

- I feel bloated and alone and yet all the people in McDonald's will not respect my privacy.

 

- 90% of plays are people standing next to an empty dinner table talking to themselves.

 

- I've got a sexy butt. Yep. Take it to the chorus.

 

- Nobody ever knew who was the boss. And that was the show. Didn't need no bloody dragons or meth labs.

 

- Let's stay together for the fridge.

 

- Luke Skywalker could have ruled the galaxy with his dad. Instead he got a fake hand and a garbage can robot for a best friend.

 

- Medicine is usually the best medicine

 

- "Reports of my breath have been greatly exaggerated" - Fart Twain

 

- Movie idea: A cop with a heart of gold but the heart doesn't work cause gold is a metal and the cop dies immediately.

 

- When I die turn me into a sausage and feed me to all the morons who show up to my funeral.

 

- "Dinosaurs?? More like WINOSAURS amiright!?!"

*and with that the security guard confiscates my bottle of pinot and kicks me out of the museum*

 

- All Johnny Depp wants to do is eat some fresh dog meat after a hard day of piracy. What's the harm in that?!

 

- I used to wait for books to become movies, now I wait for articles to become shorter articles.

 

- What's the deal with airline food?! You only get 5 peanuts at a time!

*flushes peanuts down the toilet. Watches them get sucked into void*

 

- *puts computer on a surfboard*

"computer says WOOH"

*lifesaver yells at me from the beach*

 

- See the thing about the real slim shady is that, like me, he prefers to sit down.

 

- 50 Shades of Grey: a circus ringmaster collects elephants from all over the world to put on the greatest show on earth. He's also into weird sex stuff.

 

- Australia is girt by sea whereas I am girt by skin.

 

- if I lived on a cloud like the Care Bears I'd getting pretty tired of getting a wet butt every time I sat down

 

- The outside top of a house is called a roof and the inside top of a house is called a ceiling. - Something you can say to strangers at auctions to impress them.

 

- My hair is Seinfelding. I started with Kramer's, I'm halfway through Jerry's on my way to George's.

 

- Current things that are popular:

Dyeing your hair

Wearing New Balance sneakers

Watching TV shows

Eating and drinking

Wearing a hat when it is sunny

Wearing a jumper when it is cold

Paying your phone bill

Putting stuff in the rubbish bin

Opening the fridge

 

- The only reason computers have screens is so we can see what they are up to.

 

- I tend to form my best opinions on things I know nothing about.

 

- A call out for investors into a site I wanna set up called BSOS. It will be exactly like ASOS except each item of clothing will come delivered with a swarm of killer bees which will likely create havoc for the customer. Repeat business could be an issue.

 

- If I was a dragon I'd probably fly up into space and live on the moon because nobody would believe me here on earth.

 

- A remake of Seinfeld where all the actors are replaced by fish. You could call it Fishfeld or something.

 

- Nowadays Radiohead would probably have to call themselves Digital-Radiohead or the youth wouldn't know what their name means.

 

- Do you think when Matthew McConaughey said 'time is a flat circle' he'd just been looking at a bunch of clocks which are usually flat circles?

 

- With the amount of culture in Melbourne I'm surprised that all the milk in their cafe lattes doesn't turn into yoghurt!

 

- Dr Dre: but the e is silent

 

- Life is a series of waking nightmares interrupted by a series of sleeping nightmares.

 

- If computers were under the sea they probably wouldn't even work.

 

- *walks shoeless into art gallery*

I'm a patron of the farts

*farts* *takes a bow* *steps on a piece of Lego and screams in agony* *art lovers begin to clap*

 

- I thought I ordered the wine not the SWINE

*winks at waiter*

*wife hands over divorce papers*

*waiter hands over restraining order*

 

- "Who runs the world? Lizards" - Beyonce Know(le)s

 

- Airports are places where you get to look at all the horrible people you might be about to die with in a flying coffin.

 

- Like hack: hack everyone you know to pieces

 

- Get into my pubes boy you've got to prove your love to me

 

- Can't wait to have a glass of that nice cool Mars water.

 

- Click here for a list of things you already know but will enjoy agreeing with and may even give you a feeling of nostalgia.

 

- If you are gonna make a movie set in the future make sure you include streets full of cafes with a real estate agency on every corner.

 

- Wine did the chicken cross the road? To get another glass of lovely fresh wine!

 

- WILL IT BLEND!?

*puts fruit into belnder*

*makes delicious smoothie*

*audience claps politely for 20 minutes*

 

- It's only a matter of time before Generation X gets renamed Generation FitBit.

 

- Pretending to be interested in people's stories about their children fills up a good part of your week when you are a 30 something.

 

- *a video of me dancing to hotline bling with over 10 million youtube views*

 

- If they ever legalise euthanasia I'm totally gonna have a surprise funeral.

 

- Doctor: you have cancer

Me: CANCER!? I ONLY JUST MET HER

Doctor:

Me: *dies of cancer*

 

- Gross little baby don't say a word, Ur mama's not looking so I'll flip you the bird.

 

- 'I wonder how many computers I have used in my life' and other poems.

 

- The Bible: Where Are They Now?

 

- When Darth Vader takes his helmet off at the end of Jedi his head stinks so bad that Luke cries equally from the smell and sadness.

 

- Someone should make a computer game that just crashes your computer and deletes everything on your hard drive. It would be quite a rush.

 

- *walks out onto the hot cement and stares directly into the sun. the sun blinks first. i become the sun and burn everything. i am at peace*

 

- People love sharing information with other people. That's pretty much all they do.

 

- goths need to lighten up

 

- How long do you need to keep a tomato seed in your teeth before it grows into a nice little tomato that you can eat?

 

- Life sucks, Dead ducks.

 

- Imagine if every time you paused you got pregnant. The world would be a very different place.

 

- I will come for you at night time,

I will raise you from your sleep,

I will kiss you in four places,

(butthole butthole butthole butthole)

 

- Who ever smelt it, Delta Goodrem

 

- Horror movie idea: Parents on a Plane

 

- I came in like a melon ball

 

- How many screaming kids at the airport can I put in a bin before I win Australian of the year?

 

- You're so vain, I bet you think this song I wrote about you is about you, don't you, John!

 

- The fact that you have to rinse your plate before you put it in the dishwasher is proof that the robots will never take over.