- Cleaning your teeth after eating something delicious is the saddest part of living with teeth.
- Love handles? More like GLOVE handles amiright!? Cause you could hang your gloves there when you're not wearing them for convenience sake.
- "I'm still, I'm still, Nessy from the loch" Sings the Loch Ness Monster as she taunts sailors scrambling to get their cameras.
- Tennis would be a lot funnier if the court was surrounded by bald boys instead.
- I'm a celebrity mood ring get me out of here
- When all is said and done the internet is just a place where your mum can see what you've been up to.
- Why did we make the glass ceiling out of glass? If we had made it opaque then women wouldn't be able to see what they are missing out on.
- Sheets made of cream
- Imagine a cafe that only serves eggs. No toast, bacon, mushrooms, salt, pepper or anything else. Just eggs. And bliss out.
- Why do people get upset about same sex relationships? Sex gets pretty samey in all relationships. *badoom tish*
- A click-bait website that's just pictures of butts called clickbutt.com where you can just click on butts all day long.
- I've gone past using emojis ironically and now i just use them to convey my feelings in tiny pictures.
- They should change Family Feud to Family Food and the losing families kids has to eat their parents in front of the nation.
- In a just world Scully would have been promoted above Mulder and fired him or stuck him behind a desk for coming up with such cockamamie reasons for everything. Instead she was forced to work with a lunatic partner for years until he was finally abducted by aliens or something. Other than that The X Files was mostly ok. 3.5 stars.
- On TV everyone seems to be best friends with people they work with but in real life I don't have any friends on TV.
- "I need some space"
*becomes astronaut, flies up and orbits the earth*
"this isn't what I meant but it will do in a pinch"
- "Back in the summer of sixty wines!" *Bryan Adams falls off his guitar*
- Accidentally becoming a DJ is a musician's greatest fear.
- "LA CUCARACHA! LA CUCARACHA!"
*I sing to myself as I add more cockroaches to my soup*
- If I travelled back in time I would get so damn frustrated by the technology available to me that it almost wouldn't be worth it
- And in some cruel twist of fate I now feel worse than I did before I drank all those beers.
- I feel bloated and alone and yet all the people in McDonald's will not respect my privacy.
- 90% of plays are people standing next to an empty dinner table talking to themselves.
- I've got a sexy butt. Yep. Take it to the chorus.
- Nobody ever knew who was the boss. And that was the show. Didn't need no bloody dragons or meth labs.
- Let's stay together for the fridge.
- Luke Skywalker could have ruled the galaxy with his dad. Instead he got a fake hand and a garbage can robot for a best friend.
- Medicine is usually the best medicine
- "Reports of my breath have been greatly exaggerated" - Fart Twain
- Movie idea: A cop with a heart of gold but the heart doesn't work cause gold is a metal and the cop dies immediately.
- When I die turn me into a sausage and feed me to all the morons who show up to my funeral.
- "Dinosaurs?? More like WINOSAURS amiright!?!"
*and with that the security guard confiscates my bottle of pinot and kicks me out of the museum*
- All Johnny Depp wants to do is eat some fresh dog meat after a hard day of piracy. What's the harm in that?!
- I used to wait for books to become movies, now I wait for articles to become shorter articles.
- What's the deal with airline food?! You only get 5 peanuts at a time!
*flushes peanuts down the toilet. Watches them get sucked into void*
- *puts computer on a surfboard*
"computer says WOOH"
*lifesaver yells at me from the beach*
- See the thing about the real slim shady is that, like me, he prefers to sit down.
- 50 Shades of Grey: a circus ringmaster collects elephants from all over the world to put on the greatest show on earth. He's also into weird sex stuff.
- Australia is girt by sea whereas I am girt by skin.
- if I lived on a cloud like the Care Bears I'd getting pretty tired of getting a wet butt every time I sat down
- The outside top of a house is called a roof and the inside top of a house is called a ceiling. - Something you can say to strangers at auctions to impress them.
- My hair is Seinfelding. I started with Kramer's, I'm halfway through Jerry's on my way to George's.
- Current things that are popular:
Dyeing your hair
Wearing New Balance sneakers
Watching TV shows
Eating and drinking
Wearing a hat when it is sunny
Wearing a jumper when it is cold
Paying your phone bill
Putting stuff in the rubbish bin
Opening the fridge
- The only reason computers have screens is so we can see what they are up to.
- I tend to form my best opinions on things I know nothing about.
- A call out for investors into a site I wanna set up called BSOS. It will be exactly like ASOS except each item of clothing will come delivered with a swarm of killer bees which will likely create havoc for the customer. Repeat business could be an issue.
- If I was a dragon I'd probably fly up into space and live on the moon because nobody would believe me here on earth.
- A remake of Seinfeld where all the actors are replaced by fish. You could call it Fishfeld or something.
- Nowadays Radiohead would probably have to call themselves Digital-Radiohead or the youth wouldn't know what their name means.
- Do you think when Matthew McConaughey said 'time is a flat circle' he'd just been looking at a bunch of clocks which are usually flat circles?
- With the amount of culture in Melbourne I'm surprised that all the milk in their cafe lattes doesn't turn into yoghurt!
- Dr Dre: but the e is silent
- Life is a series of waking nightmares interrupted by a series of sleeping nightmares.
- If computers were under the sea they probably wouldn't even work.
- *walks shoeless into art gallery*
I'm a patron of the farts
*farts* *takes a bow* *steps on a piece of Lego and screams in agony* *art lovers begin to clap*
- I thought I ordered the wine not the SWINE
*winks at waiter*
*wife hands over divorce papers*
*waiter hands over restraining order*
- "Who runs the world? Lizards" - Beyonce Know(le)s
- Airports are places where you get to look at all the horrible people you might be about to die with in a flying coffin.
- Like hack: hack everyone you know to pieces
- Get into my pubes boy you've got to prove your love to me
- Can't wait to have a glass of that nice cool Mars water.
- Click here for a list of things you already know but will enjoy agreeing with and may even give you a feeling of nostalgia.
- If you are gonna make a movie set in the future make sure you include streets full of cafes with a real estate agency on every corner.
- Wine did the chicken cross the road? To get another glass of lovely fresh wine!
- WILL IT BLEND!?
*puts fruit into belnder*
*makes delicious smoothie*
*audience claps politely for 20 minutes*
- It's only a matter of time before Generation X gets renamed Generation FitBit.
- Pretending to be interested in people's stories about their children fills up a good part of your week when you are a 30 something.
- *a video of me dancing to hotline bling with over 10 million youtube views*
- If they ever legalise euthanasia I'm totally gonna have a surprise funeral.
- Doctor: you have cancer
Me: CANCER!? I ONLY JUST MET HER
Me: *dies of cancer*
- Gross little baby don't say a word, Ur mama's not looking so I'll flip you the bird.
- 'I wonder how many computers I have used in my life' and other poems.
- The Bible: Where Are They Now?
- When Darth Vader takes his helmet off at the end of Jedi his head stinks so bad that Luke cries equally from the smell and sadness.
- Someone should make a computer game that just crashes your computer and deletes everything on your hard drive. It would be quite a rush.
- *walks out onto the hot cement and stares directly into the sun. the sun blinks first. i become the sun and burn everything. i am at peace*
- People love sharing information with other people. That's pretty much all they do.
- goths need to lighten up
- How long do you need to keep a tomato seed in your teeth before it grows into a nice little tomato that you can eat?
- Life sucks, Dead ducks.
- Imagine if every time you paused you got pregnant. The world would be a very different place.
- I will come for you at night time,
I will raise you from your sleep,
I will kiss you in four places,
(butthole butthole butthole butthole)
- Who ever smelt it, Delta Goodrem
- Horror movie idea: Parents on a Plane
- I came in like a melon ball
- How many screaming kids at the airport can I put in a bin before I win Australian of the year?
- You're so vain, I bet you think this song I wrote about you is about you, don't you, John!
- The fact that you have to rinse your plate before you put it in the dishwasher is proof that the robots will never take over.