~I want to live above a morgue so when I flush my life down the toilet it will be in good hands.
~Give me pies
Give me sweet little pies
(Give me pies, give me, give me pies)
~I'm gonna start shushing people after they sneeze. Let's see how society handles this little twist.
~When melted down there is enough gold in a Golden Globe to make a golden baby. Though they never do.
But that's Hollywood for you.
~One of the hardest conversations I'm ever going to have is explaining to my son that I adopted him solely for the Instagram likes and now that he has grown out of being cute he has to go back to his original family.
~When I die, cremate me and turn me into a $100 bill and on my gravestone call me 'Matty Hundreds' so the lawyers can't find me.
~Best thing about the expression "how are you" is that it is addressed to YOU. It doesn't mention YOUR name.
Ps. I don't remember your name
~Barry O'Farrell walks into a bar and closes it down.
~The trouble with paradise is that there is always trouble in paradise.
~Imagine if everything I touched turned to shit.
HAHAHAHAHA. It already does.
No really. Imagine.
~I'd love to plant my own beautiful garden but I just don't have the hedge funds.
~I have so many practice conversations/emails/texts in my head. When I die they should be downloaded and given to the children.
~Roses are red
And covered in thorns
Stay away from the roses
Get off of my lawn.
~When someone asks you your weakness at a job interview just say "I'm terrible at small talk cause I'm always thinking BIG".
Job is yours.
~All my relationships are touch and go. Women touch me and then they go.
*shirt flies off my greasy back*
~What's cooler than being cool?
*steps out of freezer*
*goes straight to the hospital*
~I know there is no cure for the common cold but is there a cure for when people like me get a cold?
~People overseas must have a terrible time trying to memorise their awfully long telephone numbers.
~Imagine if penises had elbows.
And little hands on the end.
Just like a tiny arm!
~Seems a bit unfair that they don't have an award for Best Directress.
~The reason people wear rings is to show that their fingers are cylinder shaped.
~Being in a relationship is nice but sitting alone in an empty room for the rest of eternity going slowly insane might be nice too.
~Babies and puppies are used a lot in toilet paper advertising and yet if I wiped my arse with a baby or puppy I'd be considered a monster.
~Students, WILL THEY EVER LEARN?!?
~I know I'll never be a royal but does she really have to Lorde it over me?
- Noah gags -
~How come Jesus isn't credited as one of the writers for that Noah movie?
Poor Jesus, looks like he died for nothing.
~"Looks like rain Noah"
"Haha. You have no idea"
Noah looks up into the sky and winks at God.
"... you have no idea"
~A highlight of Noah is when Russell Crowe sings "if I could talk to the animals" until God yells at him about the evils of witchcraft.
~And as Noah sailed off into the sunset he asked unto the Lord
"Lord, how many people did you just drown?"
And the Lord did shrug and say unto Noah "lol"
And Noah asked "do you mean lol as in lots of love?'
And the Lord said "nope".
~Why can't I find a friend to slowly shave their head as I go bald, like all those people getting chemo can?
~People love doing boring things. Almost as much as they love telling me about the boring things that they do.
~"Well as they say: blood in your stool, everything's cool" - me, whenever I walk around hospitals pretending to be a proctologist.
~"There's a bomb on this bus and everyone's invited." - me, every time I do a fart on the bus.
~If I was a mushroom I'd be a fun guy. But I'm not a mushroom I'm a human. A boring tired human.
~Looking at what other people are buying in supermarkets is probably my favourite sport.
~So for those of you unsure about the Easter timeline, today is the day Jesus is 'dead' in a cave laying thousands of chocolate eggs.
~How come the Pope doesn't kiss the ground anymore? Does the Queen? Is anyone kissing jesus? Everyone's too busy kissing the ground I guess.
~It must take people an awfully long time to have sex with everyone on Tinder.
~Apparently the way to get most addicted to something is to just take it every day for the rest of your life.
~I'm gonna remake Speed but instead of a bomb on a bus it will be me sitting on a couch in the middle of a first date trying to hold in a fart.
~Q) What did Borat say at the swingers party?
A) YOUR WIFE!
~Nobody seems to have whacky ringtones anymore. Akon and Crazy Frog must be rolling in their graves.
~My balls are so hard, motherfuckers are uncomfortable #thatshitcray
~Before the internet, articles had to toil around in magazines and newspapers, never sure if anyone even liked them.
~All of my missions are Bottom Secret.
~When life gives you lemons just squeeze them into your eyes and run screaming through the supermarket until your parents come to get you.
~Unfortunately the only get rich quick scheme that I can make happen is one where I make ok money slowly by going to work every day forever.
~One day I will be a celebrity dj. I mean bj. One day I will be a celebrity blow job.
~Imagine me and you
I think about us doing poos
It's only right
To think about the poos we do
All through the night
In nappies together
~"everyone's all like A4 paper this and A4 paper that"
~Is that a banana in my pocket or do I no longer suffer from erectile dysfunction?
~Finish all your raps with "and that's a rap".
~"Eat chips everyday" - Nate Chips.
~I literally have a poetic licence.
~Here's something the celebrity chefs won't tell you: the secret to cooking a great meal is to use terrible ingredients.
~Imagine a world without bands.
Now imagine all those bands falling into a volcano.
And bliss out.
~From what I can see, the human body is about 95% skin. The rest is hair.
~"EVERYONE'S A CRICKET" - sighed the artistic grasshopper.
~Nothing's perfect except for my opinions.
~Fruit gets bruises. Just like humans. And yet it can't talk like humans.
~It's my life,
It's now or never,
I ain't gonna shit forever,
I just wanna shit while I'm alive.
~It's all fun and games until you stop playing games and having fun.
~I need a beauty coma.
~Family dramas have to involve family members whereas all other dramas can involve anyone in the world.
And that's how you write a movie.
~Referring to yourself in the third person exclusively in your own head is the most enjoyable way to go crazy.
~The only limit to this sentence is your imagination!
~Life is mince and then you're pie.
That's why we get high.
~In movies butlers are always quietly in love with their masters or murdering them. I wonder if the masters get to choose which they prefer.
~When I'm rich I'm gonna name all my butlers after my enemies. You get to name your butlers right? Do you get to name their children too?
Night night ninety.
~Life tip: If it might be raining put out your hands and feel if they get wet. Use your hands because the rest of your body can't feel water.
~I never read 'On The Road' cause I was too busy livin'
*puts on leather jacket*
*catches on fire*
*lights up jazz cigarette from the flames*
~Molto Elaine Benes
~*stranger asks me the time*
*looks at iWatch*
*accidentally sends nude pic to everyone at work*
*Steve Jobs hologram winks at me*
~Every time you delete Bono from your iPhone he kills a child in Africa.
~I wanna know what lunch is,
I want you to show me.
something I sing to whoever is lucky enough to make my lunch.
~The longer Facebook doesn't have a 'thumbs down' button the longer people who dislike my status updates will feel completely alone.
~Pearls are the purest form of oyster shit money can buy.
~If there were no seagulls, the world would be overrun by chips.
And I would be in paradise.
~Beer then wine, do we have time?
~One day I'd like to insist on getting a divorce from someone I'm dumping even tho we aren't married just to rub it in.
~You can tell Bruce Springsteen is a cool guy because he sounds heaps chill even when he is on fire.
~There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only me. Sitting at the end of a dark tunnel And I stink cause I haven't showered in a millennia.
~A huge percentage of our bodies is gas. Around 90% or so. It's lucky our bones are so heavy or we would all float up into outer space.
~How on earth does Han Solo understand anything that Chewbacca says? He makes no sense. Otherwise Star Wars is a pretty good movie. 4/5 stars
Women called Liz
World of lizards
One world government.
~"previously on The Pelican Brief"
~You only live once unless you're Jesus then you live for a million years living with your dad.
~"YOLO" said Jesus with a cheeky wink as the Romans nailed him to the cross.
~You can't fight city hall.
Its a building and you will hurt your hands.
Fight the people inside city hall.
They are softer.
~Sharks have a taste for humans because they eat all of our poo which is full of fingernails.
~God made humans not huWOMANS.
*sits back down*
*opens can of passiona*
*passiona sprays all over my face*
*huwomens applaud loudly*
~"We're gonna need a bigger butt"
~The fact that humans drink blue Powerade just goes to show ya really.
~pretending I forgot is how I get through most of my life.
~Don't judge a book by its cover they say. Then how should we judge books? By the words? Well that saying is made of words. So it's biased.
~Kids in movies in the 90s all have husky voices because in those days they let the kids smoke to relieve the stresses of Hollywood life.
~I like to sit under the Xmas tree in the nude and slowly dress myself in the presents I get. I usually wind up with a few layers of socks.
~*walks into $2 shop dressed in crazy crap*
"you work on commission here dont you"
confused employee says "no"
"oh sorry MY mistake. HUGE!"
~I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I've just eaten waaaay too much bubblegum.
~Eat fast, die young.