2013

~Just saw someone in a public toilet look at themselves in the mirror and say "ah well". Made my year.

 

~He who cuts the cheese stands alone.

 

~My life's greatest achievement was when Lotel awarded me Teenager of The Year. The prize was genital warts.

 

~So when Prince Charles eats the baby will he become King or does he also have to eat the Queen? Or could he just marry the Queen?

 

~The Royal Baby is born half human-half fish! The Royal Goldfish declares "MY GOLDEN BOY WILL RULE YOU ALL" as William chops off his head.

 

~The only sound more enjoyable than children screaming in an airport is the sound of their parents moaning while they use the massage chairs.

 

~Considering what we all do in toilets I'm surprised that restaurants are allowed to have them.

 

~Q. What did the moon man say to the astronaut? A. "HEY WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ROCKS??!"

 

~Buy jeans. Get a boyfriend/girlfriend. Put jeans in bin. Wear tracksuit pants for the rest of your life.

 

~"I want to be leaves"- Fox Mulberry Bush.

 

~Imagine if all my real money was monopoly money.

 

~What happened to all the post-punks? Did they all grow up and become postmen and women?

 

~I am your best friend. In that I am better than any of your other friends. I am not your closest friend however. I have no friends.

 

~Imagine if there was a 1 in 3 chance that a woman could give birth to a puppy! Am I right ladies!?

 

~Corn is the thrillseeker of food. It doesn't get digested it just slides through your body and shoots out the other end.

 

~If a little bit of toilet water splashes up on you can you go home sick? Asking for my bum.

 

~If Jim Morrison were alive today he'd be sitting alone in his house made of turds. His own turds.

 

~I'm just a boy, standing in front of a fridge, asking for beer to be in there.

 

~I'm gonna host a series of This Is Your Life where I just list the failures of the subject's life until they have nothing left to live for.

 

~Size is all about perspective. And so with that in mind whenever I show someone my penis I lean back as far as I can to make it look bigger.

 

~Can't you see Tony Abbott is setting up a giant human chess game!? He's got his two bishops... Aaaaaaand that's all I've got.

 

~Gentlemen, if you are smelling coconut instead of burnt toast then you are having a different kind of stroke. ;)

 

~My latest million dollar idea: 2pac salt & pepper shakurs. PATENT PENDING*

 

~When I get a time machine I'll travel back to 1994 and go to a cinema playing Pulp Fiction and yell SPOILER ALERT though the entire movie.

 

~CSI: Sydney Opera House. Every episode features the line "Well I guess the fat lady sang her final note."

 

~All that she wants is some chips and gravy, she's gone tomorrow. All that she wants is some chips and gravy yeah yeah.

 

~Gonna open a store called AntIKEA which will sell 'antique' Ikea furniture. Slogan: They don't get you to make em like they used to!

 

~Tony Abbott walks into a bar, accidentally flirts with his daughters and then farts into a windmill.

 

~Taken 10: Liam Neeson goes to the movies with his family and is taken aback by the price of the tickets.

 

~I spend Father's Day the same way every year: Bursting into tears in front of small children until their parents pull them away from me.

 

~Pumpkin?! I only JUST met him!! #HappyHalloween

 

~People, People who are people, Are the luckiest people in the world. By People Streisand

 

~How do I get that nice reverb on my thoughts like people have in the movies?

 

~"I only have four eyebrow hairs and they are all too long" The Matt Banham Story

 

~Happiness is a warm bum.

 

~*walk into a bar and tell some jokes* *sit down* *start to cry* *realise that you are still at home and your Real Doll hates you*

 

~Why do bands always release singles? What have they got against couples?! *bows* *collects the Nobel Prize for Comedy* *bows the prize*

 

~Kanye West reminds me of a young me.

 

~Everytime Justin Timberlake has sex he says "I predicted this would happen" and then shows the person a the cover of his second album.

 

~Baby dolls are disgusting. Almost as disgusting as real babies. Hahhahaahhaaha. Just kidding. Baby dolls are pretty cool.

 

~Paprika?! I only just met her and cooked her a lovely dinner with exotic herbs and spices.

 

~I'm gonna open a restaurant that only serves butter.

 

~"And thaaaaat makes me larger than WIFE" - something I'm gonna sing to my wife if she ever catches me wearing her heels.

 

~Boners are wasted on the young.

 

~The doctors will never tell you this but most of the bones in your body are useless. Not needed at all!

 

~"I need to go to sleep but all I wanna do is look at computers" will be my wedding vows. Ps. I'm marrying a computer.

 

~My new favourite thing to do is point at the sun and say "full moon". 46 likes.

 

~I'm gonna start a band called Flute Fighters where I just invade the stage at Foo Fighters concerts and play flute as loud as I can.

 

~This time one year ago I was waiting for a bus. Today I'm standing on an ants nest waiting for a bus. Same spot just more ants.

 

~On my bus I just heard someone with a non specific European accent say "I like to party hard". Guys, I think I might be on the Venga Bus.

 

~When I get old and my fingers start to look like sweaty hams I'm gonna want to eat sandwiches all the time aren't I?

 

~Jeremy looks smokin' in class today.

 

~Drunk teens on the bus having the time of their lives. Me, I can't wait to get home cause I'm busting to shit. I guess this is growing up.

 

~Anyone wanna buy a TV show off me? 'FML High' Just about a bunch of teens winging about high school etc. $1999.99

 

~If I had a kid every night I would cover their room in dream catchers and every morning throw them in the bin to teach a lesson about dreams.

 

~"in case you missed us stroking each others hands here's us making out" says every couple ever in my line of sight.

 

~Farting into a fan is not as glamorous as it sounds.

 

~A stranger is just a friend who doesn't annoy you yet.

 

~When I get to heaven I'm gonna keep singing "OOH HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH" just to piss off God.

 

~Sitting at home alone eating a curried egg sandwich listening to Miley Cyrus.

 

~Why do bugs roll onto their backs when they die? Are they being dramatic? Looks cool I guess.

 

~Mental note: never catch the last train home again. Dental note: everyone's breath stinks on this train.

 

~Pop music? More like POOP music amiright!? *gets inducted into rock n roll hall of fame* *grows a cool goatee* *dies of infested crotch*

 

~The uniforms that airline pilots wear are pretty bloody ridiculous considering they are essentially flying bus drivers.

 

~The nickname for my penis is 'Minimum Chips'.

 

~Someone should make a compilation of every song someone has written for their newborn child so I can never listen to it.

 

~The human body has a lovely way of reminding you that you drank red wine last night. *wink*

 

~The funniest thing about fedoras is that people are still wearing them.

 

~Just because people can't forget their first cup of Nespresso doesn't mean they enjoyed it. I remember a lot of horrific experiences. One time I bite into an apple and realised I'd just swallowed half a worm. "Unforgettable"

 

~Sliding Doors 2: Val Kilmer dies and Jim Morrison lives.

 

~“How can people think I don’t like women? Some of my best mother is a woman!” – Tony Abbott*. *This might be made up

 

~If Kim Kardashian doesn't give birth to a giant lasagne I'm gonna be mighty disappointed.

 

~At my funeral I demand that everyone stand and listen to all the 'So Frenchy, So Chic' CDs back to back.

 

~I'm gonna get a dog, name it Peeve and train it to piss on my lounge. Then when it does that I can say to my friends "That's my pet, Peeve".

 

~My Ireland Home. Sung in an Irish pub.

 

~Imagine being next to Jim Morrison at a party. Just reciting his horrible poetry at you until you make out with him just to shut him up.

 

~Train inspectors should wear bells round their necks so you know they are coming. Like cats. They should also get fed mice as a treat.

 

~Sir Les Misérables

 

~If the tampon companies keep making tampons more & more comfortable pretty soon women won't need my penis to plug their periods.

 

~Robin Wood: Prince of Leaves.

 

~In case of emergency: BREAK ASS!

 

~Every time I see a band I worry about the poor DJ that lost their job.

 

~Not many people know this but apparently James Bond wears a tiny little suit on his penis.

 

~Victoria's Secret is that she is wearing underwear.

 

~All Things Must Pass Wind.

 

~"For God so loved the world he gave his only Son" Why didn't God just make more Sons? If i was God I'd make heaps of Sons. Seems pretty easy.

 

~How many tweets do I need to do before I get to use 150 characters? When do the level ups happen? Attn: @twitter

 

~Crap On A Hot Tin Roof

 

~If your'e on the internet and no one is making fun of you check that your computer is actually connected to the internet.

 

~I want a girl with a short jacket and a loooooooooong jacket. #cakes

 

~You should have seen my smile when I just discovered a beer in the fridge. I was as cute as one of those LOLcats you are always on about.

 

~I'm gonna start a gang where we all have to cover ourselves in butterfly tattoos. We will be called 'The Butter Boys'.

 

~It's a good thing the other ducks didn't like the ugly duckling otherwise the swan would have wound up fucking ducks the whole time.

 

~Unfortunately there is no way to know if you are completely delusional and the person you are dating is actually just a Real Doll.

 

~Edward Scissorhands realises the knives on his hands were attached to gloves and takes them off. 'Edward Scissorhands 2: Release The Hands'

 

~Hugo Weaving? I only just got here!!

 

~Buffy The Vampire.

 

~Jesus is in a bar really wasted and says to the bartener 'Gimme another gin' and the bartender says 'I think you've had enough Jesus' and Jesus says 'hey man... I DIED FOR YOUR GINS!' Then Jesus starts laughing and falls off his stool.

 

~I assume Phil Collins spends at least 2 hours a day crying. Peter Gabriel spends the exact same amount of time laughing about Phil Collins

 

~In the movies everybody works at the bank. In real life nobody works at the bank.

 

~I'm so vain, every single song is about me, I'M SOO VAAAIN

 

~'C'est La Wee' is something I say to myself when I go to the toilet thinking I need to do No.2s and only do No.1s.

Feel free to use that.

 

~Gonna open a shop that specializes in fixing shoes and selling corn. Gonna call it 'Corn on the Cobbler' of course.

 

~On my way to the dentist. If you don't hear from me again then all my fears were true and turns out it was cheaper to just put me down.

 

~If you love somebody let them wee.

 

~When those Google Glasses come out using an iPhone on the bus will be like using a typewriter in a cafe.

 

~I want to adopt a child. On an unrelated note I can't reach the bottom of the Pringles can because my hands are too big.

 

~My taxi driver keeps whispering angrily to himself. If these are my last tweets treasure them. Print them out and put them on your children.

 

~Movie: Alanis Morissette heart explodes from angst on stage but she is rebuilt as a part robot superhero singer/songwriter. Title: Irony Man

 

~I hate to speak ill of the dead but the dead are usually pretty ill.

 

~If I had a boyfriend with erectile disfunction and he got an erection I would say "the cock thickens! What a twist" and then twist his dick.

 

~I'm getting quite thin and dare I say rather fine. It's just a shame this is only happening on the top of my head.

 

~Giving someone 'The Fish n Chips' is when you take a break during lovemaking to put your pants back on and wipe your hands on them.

 

~Time Turds: A team of scientists dig up paddocks in England looking for week old shits.

 

~In space no one can see your peen.

 

They sure make five dollar umbrellas like they used to.

 

~Imagine Sting cooking you dinner, singing his jazzy tunes and slurping from the spoon for the rest of your life.

 

~Every time I use a letter opener I feel like the Queen of England. I wonder if she feels like me when she uses one.

 

~In my dreams all the yoghurt stores on King St milk their yoghurt from the locals and sell it back to them at an inflated price.

 

~"You're either gettin made or you're gettin played" - Matt Banham 2013

 

~If Pretty Woman has taught me anything it's that no one wants to kiss Richard Gere on the mouth.

 

~If my nose ever falls off I'm gonna look pretty bloody weird!

 

~If I ever get married I'm gonna sing this in monotone to the guests: 'Oh yeah life goes on, Long after the thrill of livin is gone'.

 

~I'm a serial killer and my calling card is that I've never murdered anyone at all.

 

~When I die freeze my body and use it to keep the drinks cool at my funeral. It will save on ice.

 

~Whenever I make love and get into my favourite position I declare "MISSIONARY ACCOMPLISHED!"

 

~Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Turn a man into a fish and he will be a fish for a lifetime.