-If I was a tiger I would be a talking tiger.


-If I become a zombie I don’t want you to kill me. I want you to let me kill you.


-If this train was a bullet train I would have gone waaaaaay past my house by now.


-Since the #ABC cancelled New Inventors I wonder if the would be interested in my show New Inventories. Basically I just make lists of items.


-I’m gonna start using vaginas as an adjective. “It’s too vaginas in here."


-A pony walks into a bar and the bartender says “why the long face?". The pony says “it ain’t THAT long". The bartender agrees.


-Imagine how many phantom calls The Phantom must make. Dude needs to remember to lock his phone.


-I love fizzy drink but hate bubbly people. #actualirony


-I guess I could be a punker but I only have one pair of jeans and I need them for work.


-I like my celebrities airbrushed and plastic. If I wanted to see blotchy sad looking skin I would look at my penis.


-In your face is a map of the world is a map of the world.


-Nowadays the 80’s is the past.


-If I ever write a porno I’m gonna call in ‘Penal Colony’.


In a TRUE gesture of goodwill to the people of the world Rupert Murdoch should cancel The Simpsons.


-As a rocker I hate the mods but I live in a modern world and I love it’s conveniences. #theultimateirony


-I don’t like hearing The Foo Fighters called ‘The Fooies’. I also don’t like hearing The Foo Fighters.


-It’s too early. I want to die/cry/pie.


-If I had to choose between getting eaten by piranhas or relaxing on the couch I would choose the couch every time.


-When my hair gets too long it becomes flat and lifeless. The exact same thing happens to my penis.


-I still find it hard to comprehend that about a 100 million years ago a dinosaur was probably living in my house and catching the same train


-The sausage roll I had for lunch has IMMEDIATELY turned into a poo.


-I’m just glad they are taxing carbon and not carbs.


-In an attempt to add more weight to my tweets from now on all of them will be written in front of a bookshelf next to an National flag.


-Whenever I run out of toilet paper and I have to wipe with tissues I’m sure my bum hole thinks it’s Christmas.


-Murdoch’s next paper ‘News Of The Waterworld’. It will update readers on Kevin Costner’s predictions for the future straight from his phone.


-People say i am the life of the party cause I have a poke or two.


-If we really are living in a ‘Nanny State’ then why do I still have to wipe my own arse?


-I wonder if rich people have those public toilet hand dryers in their houses. I assume they do and do all sorts of sexual things with them.


-With all the things you can do with a potato it really is the pig of the vegetable kingdom.


-‘Look at me I’ve got a sandy D’ - from my upcoming musical ‘Grease 3: Nude on the Beach’.


-Matt Banham: The Maestro of Music


-The only reason they ain’t letting fly through that ash cloud is cause they know it’s full of dragons. Massive Government cover up!


-In my opinion Weird Al’s ‘Perform This Way’ is a blatant rip off of ‘Like a Surgeon’.


-Why is cash always called cold and hard? And why is my dick always called the exact opposite?


-After I eat this shepherd’s pie I’ll probably follow it up with a shepherd’s poo.


-When go to heaven I’m gonna ask God to make me an angel by singing ‘if ya like the ya shoulda put a wing on it’ pointing to my back.


-Where my big dicks at, where my little dicks at, where dey at where dey at where dey at? - My version of ‘Hard’ by Rihanna.


-I know Kung Pu


-If my last name was Wiener I’d give my son a girls name just to balance it out.


-A poo from any other bum wouldn’t smell so sweet.


-Also if they get rid of sexy billboards how am I supposed to wank while I’m driving?


-Pickled vegetables cause cancer now?! How am I supposed to create my signature breath without them?!


-You’re once, twice, three times chips n gravy.


(this is what I would be singing if I had chips n gravy right now)


-Can someone please make me a t-shirt that says “I wanted a dog but all I got was this lousy girlfriend" with an arrow pointing to the side.


-I rest my case in peace.


-The way Underbelly keeps going back in time for it’s stories is making me look forward to Underbelly: Dino Wars. I’ll watch that!


-When I die I want you to bury my sperm at sea. ‘Forever Seamen’.


-If I was an astronaut I would fly over the earth and do little poos on people. Kinda like a bird. I would do the same if I was a bird.


-If I was the Queen I would wear a much bigger crown and always insist on having my sceptre to punish rowdy Irishmen.


-If I had powers I could check to see if I’d pooed my pants without even taking them off!


-The days boners stop being funny is the day I stop getting them :(


-David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a sex on the beach. He takes a sip and declares “THIS DRINK IS A MESS!"


-Brooke Shields walks into a bar and orders a blue lagoon. She takes a sip and declares “that’s what I call mixing business with pleasure!"


-Anna Paquin walks into a bar and orders a bloody mary. She takes a sip and declares “that’s what I call mixing business with pleasure!"


-Is J-Lo still sexy? I can’t work out if I have a boner or if my dick is just in shock.


-"it’s so hard having kids wah wah. I have to get up so early wah wah"


Use more condoms.


-I just saw a sign offering a $1000 reward for a lost dog. Do I dare live the dream of becoming a pet detective? ALRIGHTY THEN!


-The fact that Twilight now has a guide to the books makes me think that fans of it are even stupider than I thought.


-I wish I had married 3 women so I could always call my second wife my mid-wife.

And whenever she called me to get money for the kids I had with her I could shout “IM HAVING A MID WIFE CRISIS”


-A poo walks into a bar and proceeds to drink a lot of booze.


Needless to say things got a little sloppy.


-A poo walks into a bar and the bartender says “wee don’t serve your kind here"


-My theory is that just before Prince William says ‘I do’ he pulls off a face mask and reveals he was Princess Di ALL ALONG!!


-Lindsay Lohan may have been punished for stealing that necklace but when will she be brought to justice for stealing our hearts?


-Apparently the Rabbitohs are my team now. I’m gonna call them ‘The Rabbits’ for short.


-So do reckon Kate and William are gonna DO it?


-You can leave your hat on is about a foot fetish guy and a bald woman.


-Tis better to have pooed and wiped than to have never wiped at all.


-This morning’s poo would be best described as a smooth criminal.


-Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and they say why the long face and she says “I was having SEX IN THE CITY!"


-The people protesting women being allowed to the front line should mention how hard it is to run in heels. Case Closed!


-Pictures of poo, pictures of wee, upon your wall for all the world to see.


-I wish toothpaste didn’t look like spaff.

I wish I didn’t always get it on my crotch as I get ready for work.


-Kiss Me, Cake


-If I could fly I would have so many more friends. But I wouldn’t need friends because I could fly. Which is the ultimate irony really.


-When your hand falls asleep, you touch your dick it feels like someone elses hand. If your dick fell asleep would it feel like another dick?


-If the Government really needs to find a cheaper way to ‘lay cable’ they should give me a call. I do it for cheap and with only minimal fuss


-Justin Never: Bieber say Bieber


-Do Greens candidates all have to shop at the same optometrist?


-If my penis was an ice cream flavour it would be Blueberry Swirl.




-All I need is a miracle,

All I neeeeeeeeeed is a miracle.


-Sometimes I wish my train ride to work was longer so I could spend more time wishing I was in bed.


-I predict that the Oscars will go off without a Hitch! (I wish I’d thought of this joke when that movie Hitch came out)


-There’s only a couple of letters difference between a stiff drink and a stiff dick. Food for thought?


-I’ve started playing Words With Fronds. My username is fern_real


-Farting on a tram while it’s moving makes me understand why women sit on washing machines.


-"MY GIRLS A PENIUS OH OH O OH OOH" Jet remixed by me.


-I think Burlesque is the sequel to Mask but this time Cher is playing her son.


-Try it before you diet!


-A turd in the hand is worse than poo in the tush.


-So much to do, so little wine. Geddit? I like to drink.


-Watching Timecop makes me want to travel back in time to when I wasn’t lactose intolerant and drink a milkshake… OF JUSTICE. Time justice.


-If I ever get sucked into a computer like in Tron I hope that is has Leisure Suit Larry installed.


-New years eve? More like POO years eve! I’m not kidding folks.


-Two turtle doves, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear treeeeeeee


-Silly Season? More like WILLY SEASON!


Know what I’m sayin? *wink wink*


-Why do I have so many pairs of white undies? I hate white undies! Oh well, they won’t be white for long.


-I really like the word ‘Pram’. I think its nice to say. I’m gonna book a table at a restaurant under the name Pram and when I rock up I’ll say:


"Pram party. Table for 1"


-I wouldn’t mind doing a few ‘moon landings’ myself if you know what I mean.